


These Witchers are fucking monsters

by Lielie96



Category: The Witcher (TV), Wiedźmin | The Witcher - All Media Types
Genre: Miscommunication, Misunderstandings, Monsterfucker Jaskier | Dandelion, What even are my tags, idk how to tag
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-04
Updated: 2020-04-04
Packaged: 2021-02-28 20:15:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 964
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23482963
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lielie96/pseuds/Lielie96
Summary: I'm tellin' you, ol' Murphy swears he 'eard it from one of them witchers 'imself years ago. 'e said all them freaks 'ave to fuck a monster. Part of them trials or whatever."Now that caught Jaskier's attention. He had thought he heard all rumours about witchers and debunked most of them to be fake. But this was new to him.-----------------------------------------------Jaskier overhears a rumour about witchers. He decides to subtly ask Geralt if it's true.
Comments: 7
Kudos: 62





	These Witchers are fucking monsters

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Salface](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Salface/gifts).



> A big thanks to my dear friend who told me of this idea and I could not resist the urge to write it.
> 
> Hopfully I've done it justice XD

As per usual, Jaskier found himself stuck at the no-name inn in some no-name town while Geralt was out fighting some monster. The witcher had insisted that he stay behind. Again. After years of this, the bard figured he should be used to this by now, but he still hated being left behind. Mostly because of how stingy with the details the witcher was known to be. The bard let out a sigh as he nursed his watered-down ale in the corner of the tavern. He started to zone out, eavesdropping on conversations close by.

"I'm tellin' you, ol' Murphy swears he 'eard it from one of them witchers 'imself years ago. 'e said all them freaks 'ave to fuck a monster. Part of them trials or whatever."

Now that caught Jaskier's attention. He had thought he heard all rumours about witchers and debunked most of them to be fake. But this was new to him. He stood, leaving the amount of coin on the table and retreated to the room in the inn he and Geralt were staying at. He wondered how much of the rumour was true. He could always ask Geralt. But if it is true, chances are the witcher won't answer. The bard came to the conclusion that he'd have to be subtle about it.

* * *

"Geralt?" The bard walked alongside Roach, looking up at the Witcher in question. It had been a few days since Jaskier had learned this new rumour. He had spent days trying to find the right way to approach the topic without scaring the big scary witcher.

A grunt was the only reply he got, so Jaskier took that as an opportunity to ask away. "I've heard many stories about witchers. And so far, I've learnt that a fair number of them aren't correct. You witchers got any secrets about monsters? About, you know, taming the beast?" He threw in a saucy little wink at the end there, hoping the witcher caught his drift.

Silence followed and Jaskier was afraid Geralt had decided not to answer. His fears were tossed aside soon though. "There's no need to kill every monster. Some can be reasoned with through other methods."

Jaskier could only nod and smile to himself. Not a direct answer, but it seemed the rumours were true. The bard couldn't help but feel excited by it.

* * *

"Did you get a choice on your very first monster?"

They had settled down for camp. A week had passed since Jaskier got his confirmation. And he was excited to learn all there was about this new discovery. Mostly this meant pestering the witcher constantly.

"Not really. We were sent out and told not to come back until we had finished something off."

* * *

It had become a game to the bard, learning all he could. So far he learnt, that Geralt had very little choice on his first monster and that some monsters were very rough, hence why he believed Jaskier should stay behind.

The witcher and bard had settled in an inn for the night. Come morning, Geralt would out on a monster hunt.

"Do you prefer monsters with human-like features or not? I can't tell if a humanlike face would make it easier or not," Jaskier wondered aloud from his side of the bed.

Geralt didn't even turn to face him when he spoke. "It doesn't matter to me. A monster's a monster, humanlike or not. They all have their way the same."

Jaskier nodded, mentally filing "Geralt still fucks monsters" away with the rest that he's learnt.

* * *

Geralt failed to return with the griffin's head. However, the witcher was wounded and worse for wear than Jaskier had seen him in a long time. It was no small contract out on the griffin and Jaskier will silent lament the missing coin. But the witcher assured him that he had convinced the beast to move on and leave the area. That explained the wounds. Clearly the griffin was a biter.

"It was close before I even showed up. It wasn't too hard to get it to move on in the end." The witcher's words gave the bard pause.

"How can you tell a griffin is close?" Jaskier doubted it was like with people, with the beast not being able to say words.

"By the sound," Geralt had answered like it was the most obvious thing in the world. The bard supposed that it probably was.

* * *

"Do you think I could be a witcher?" Jaskier asks one day out of the blue. They're stopped in a clearing, taking a break from travelling between villages.

Geralt frowned at him before shaking his head. "Even if there was. You wouldn't survive. Besides, it's no life anyone would want. Especially not you."

Jaskier couldn't help but whine. "But I want to fuck monsters like you..."

There was a pause, Geralt's eyes widening at the bard's words. The silence was deafening.

Until Geralt sudden started laughing. Jaskier had never felt so upset in his life. It was just not fair that Geralt would laugh at him about this.

After a couple of minutes, the witcher had finally composed himself enough to speak. "You think witchers fuck monsters? That's a new one. Can't believe I haven't heard that before."

The bard was now confused. Geralt had been confirming this rumour for months but now he laughs at it? Jaskier didn't understand.

"Witcher's don't fuck monsters. We'd all be dead if we did. We fuck up monsters."

If Jaskier felt any shame or guilt, he kept that to himself. If he felt hurt that the rumour was false, he kept that to himself too. But he most definitely did mope for three weeks that his fantasies of fucking a monster were still far out of reach.

**Author's Note:**

> I haven't written in such a long time. My skills are rusty. But I hope this was enjoyable nonetheless


End file.
